Let's use my favourite analogy: Pasta. Pasta is general analogy of rights, fairness, money, whatever.

So since the beginning of time, everyone's been making this pasta and we've got this huge bowl and as long as everyone is fair, there's more than enough for everyone. But then a greedy man comes along and is like, “I'm having that pasta. I'm stronger than you lot and I'm having it and only my friends are having it and maybe some other dudes who are like me.”

So then everyone's like, “Fuck, I'm hungry can I have some pasta?”

At some points in history they will ask nicely, like Oliver. Or sometimes they'll yell and shout for it back and sometimes they'll just take it, but then they'll get called greedy themselves and really should they not just stick to, like, actually making their own pasta from scratch like “Look mate there's some flour do it yourself. And anyway we heard you're not into carbs so you shouldn’t have it anyway.”

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But every so often there's a wave of super HANGRY people who are finding it impossible to live safely without this pasta so they make a HUGE fuss and very clearly lay out exactly why they are entitled to that pasta.

During this time, though, there are also pasta eaters (as well as people who don’t get pasta either, but who think that if they're on the side of the pasta eaters they might get a bit) who start writing articles and telling people that those people without pasta not only want ALL the pasta but they also expect sauce, cheese and a goddamn glass of Pinot Grigio with it.

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And they’re like, "Nope nope, we just want some pasta too". But everyone is all distracted by the fucking cheek of those Pinot drinkers so stop listening, and most of them are allowed their own pasta anyway so it doesn’t matter to them, as long as they’re not getting any less pasta, never mind if there’s enough to go around.

Anyway this carries on until the man gathers round his cronies and they go listen mate, “These people are getting closer to the pasta. I heard one of them even made some forks in preparation.” So the cronies are like, "Dude, let's give them a corner of this bit of penne - it was theirs anyway and it's not like it affects us.”

But the man doesn’t want to give up his pasta because he just really really doesn’t give a shit. So some other cronies are like, “Look, we’re business people, and we’ll do anything for more pasta, and our pasta forecast says that if people think we’re nice, we’ll get more pasta so yeah give them a bit of our pasta, cos people are going to think we’re so nice for giving them our pasta, they’ll make us even more pasta so it’s win win for us.”

So they do and everyone is like, "You won your battle so just chill the fuck out" but really they just got a tiny piece of what was theirs anyway but they've forgotten that by now so they're so grateful they hold up the man as hero for giving them a tiny crumb of fucking stale penne.

And that's why I'm Not Fucking Grateful.

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Main image credit: Steven Depolo